I cannot fully blame my current physical state on the inherited illness encoded into my body. I can however pay it dues to making my journey back to a vibrant more healthier me harder than ever before.
It truly began in 2015. When a gullible more naive version of myself embarked on a journey that revealed an inner strength I never knew I would have. I didn’t know this then of course. That’s how many stories work. As it grew and I began to see a purpose for myself something dark preyed not to far behind me. We attract what we want knowingly and unknowingly and it was time I faced many truths.
There are many people who say they are for you. They adore and support you. Really, it’s the opportunity to be a part of something more. Possibly Something more than they can achieve for themselves at the moment. I’ve noticed the human nature to search for parts of sel
f within others and within opportunities we choose to associate ourselves with . But in
a dog eat dog world and without loyalty you can quickly find your
self chewed up and spit out by a ego-driven attention-hungry machine.
"Most times the onset of pain is out of nowhere. Completely altering my plans. "
Over exertion, stress, fluctuating weather temperaments between hot and cold are the culprits to triggering the aggressive pain crisis associated with Sickle Cell Anemia. Cell mutations due to fiber formulation caused by genetic mutations will lead to a change in a single amino acid residue of the protein sequence. Creating crescent shaped sharp edged and sticky hemoglobin cells that scar , block, and clog up vessels during the attempt to pass.
I put up a hard fight . 2015 presented a year of starvation, mental degradation , and the intake of a superb amount of knowledge and rather quickly. Not to mention homelessness , isolation, and quite frankly loosing a huge chunk of myself. A piece of my spirit that I feel I’ll never recover. At the hands of an entity I thought would lead me to enlightenment. I was nearly crushed instead. 2016-2017 began the aftermath of the spiritual warfare I had endured.
Finally my body showed signs of a major hit. January 2017 I experienced my first sickle cell crisis within the center of my chest following a Zumba class (over exertion on an already weakened body). I just wanted to feel normal again. Do normal activities and start over with my life. But It felt like paralysis or a throbbing pain that seemed to have no ends. I knew at that moment the severity of the impacts I’de endured during my struggles. With the toll it had taken on my body and health, I just didn’t feel the same. Now in 2018 I feel that I am truly on a road to recovery. I cannot see past tomorrow. I know I control nothing at all. I share all of this to say that what hasn’t killed us has made us stronger. If I/we wait for perfection we’ll be waiting forever. Before the year 2015 I felt that I had so much more physically . Vibrant not paled. Energized not fatigued. Thicker not thinned of life.
Cell mutations, sticky crescent moon shaped cells, all sharply stabbing and ripping at our joints. Throbbing over and over reminding those ailed with the mutation that we control nothing. Every-time I feel that I have taken a step forward...mutant, altering pain. Knocking me back. Clogging my pathways and making it harder for me to track forward. “I've been there so many times.... My crisis was so bad all I could do was scream KILL ME NOW!” - wrote a fellow sickle cell warrior Mike Sick Rose. What can we do ? Do we really want to die in the midst of the agony? No we don’t. But at that moment that’s all we can feel is extreme pain and question whether or now we’re going to make it through this one or not.
Concluding my most recent hospitalization following another severe sickle cell crisis that took place in the beginning of this month February 2018...
I am simply just happy to be alive. I woke up after it all still not 100% the same but so grateful for life. It brought me so close to a feeling of death that now I will waste no more time.
You have not made me hate myself, my mind, my spirit or my body. Tried to kill me yet you failed. I now find strength in knowing that I am already all that I was meant to be. I am that I am. Simply shrinking the gap between my dreams and the moment reality manifests these divine inspirations I carry within. I must now continue to JUST BE. With much less thought and more action. Living life never knowing when it can end.
Death is just a transference. Like the death of the caterpillar transformed into a butterfly. I use these moments of weakness to kill all that is weak within me. To come out stronger, more resilient, and most importantly more appreciative of life. To strength Resilience And courage In honor of all Sickle Cell Warriors.
written by Chriss Eon
Photos taken @bythedecibal "Drenot Pierre
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